The Traffic Jam and the Anniversary Dinner Disaster
You’re heading home for your anniversary celebration dinner with your spouse when a dual disaster strikes. You’re stuck in a huge expressway traffic jam AND your cell phone dies. You have a history of being late, especially on special occasions, and you can’t believe your luck. You knew your spouse was cooking a very special dinner. You did everything possible to be on time, but fate had something else in mind for this day.
A Cold Welcome : The Angry Accusation
When you walk through the door exactly one hour late, an object whizzes by you and cracks the wall next to your head. As you look on the floor next to you, you see what appears to be a cooking spoon with some sort of tomato sauce dripping from it.
"You really don't care about me at all do you?!" your spouse yells. "I cooked all day long just for you, and you can’t even be on time. This relationship means nothing to you. You only think about yourself and have no respect for me or this relationship!”
The Emotional Reaction and the Defense Response
Everything that was just said couldn’t be further from the truth. You care for, and love very much your spouse. You legitimately did everything you could to be on time, and something truly outside of your control caused you to be late. You are hurt by the accusation you don’t care, and only think about yourself. Your hurt is turning into anger as you are about to respond…
The Dilemma : Should You Defend Yourself or Validate Their Feelings?
Let’s freeze frame this scenario for a moment. Many of us have found ourselves in similar situations. Something goes awry and we feel attacked. How might you respond if you found yourself in this situation? Many people would respond defensively. Even if they were calm about it, they would immediately offer an explanation. Have you ever noticed how often we provide a perfectly logical explanation or argument in response to someone being emotional, and it often doesn’t seem to fly?
Why Logic Falls Flat When Emotions Take Over
In the above scenario, you may respond, with defensiveness in your voice, that you were caught in traffic and couldn’t update because your phone died. Yet, your spouse is still angry. Why? Logic and emotion are like oil and water. They don’t mix. So, an attempt to address your partner’s very emotional response to the situation with a logical explanation of what happened falls flat.
The Solution : Validate First, Then Explain
How should you respond then? Always meet the person where they are emotionally FIRST. How do you meet that emotion? You validate it.
If there is ONE lesson to learn to be able to communicate more effectively, it is this:
You can always validate how someone feels, even when you disagree with what they are thinking.
Understanding the Difference Between Thoughts and Emotions
Thoughts and emotions are two different things. In the above scenario, the thought is you don’t care about your spouse or your relationship. Are you going to agree with that? No. Because you know that thought isn’t true.
But what was the emotion in this scenario? Your spouse was disappointed, hurt, and angry because their efforts to make a perfect dinner were ruined. Can you validate that? YES. You can validate that emotion even when you disagree with the thought behind it.
Effective Communication : Using Validation to Connect
So, this is what effective communication utilizing your newfound skill of validation might look like:
"Honey, I know you worked hard on this meal all day for me. I can only imagine how hurt and disappointed you are feeling right now. If I were standing in your place, I think I would feel the same way. May I share something that might be helpful to know right now?"
The Power of Validation : Strengthening Relationships
After "greasing the tracks" first with a demonstration that you understood and validate how your spouse feels, you have then paved the way for them to hear your logical explanation. They can now listen and understand what happened, or your point of view.
Final Thought : Mastering the Art of Validation
Remember, validate, validate, validate. This is not the normal way we have all learned to communicate. But if you can master this one principle, your days of greasy spoons being thrown at your head will be over.
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